The look of wonderment and amazement on Bryan’s face was something to behold. The dazzling lady had just used the Hinchcliffe-Camfield Neuro-Tazer on him, and he now sat, slack-jawed in the darkened beer garden, very gently shaking his head.
“Bloody hell…” he breathed. “You could make a fortune out of that thing…” The lady smiled and slipped the Neuro-Tazer back into her pocket.
“You did.” She said. “Or you will…er…well, it’s did for me and will for you, if that makes sense.” But Drood and Bryan were still looking at each other with astonished looks on their faces. They had been out of their boxes together on many occasions, whether through drink or more chemical means. But this was something else altogether. From smashed to sober in a matter of a second or two. After what seemed a lifetime, a very good question presented itself to Drood.
“I don’t wish to sound rude, but who the hell are you and what the fuck is going on?” He asked in a voice slowly rising with indignation towards the end of the sentence. And admittedly he’d lied; he didn’t care if he had sounded rude or not, and as it was he had been pretty rude after all.
“I think we should all sit down. This might come as some surprise.” She gestured toward the spare seats on the bench where Bryan was sitting, with a still somewhat spaced-out look on his face. Drood lowered himself down onto the bench and the lady sat next to Bryan. “My name is Doctor Fielding” she began, “Doctor Polly Fielding. I am one of the senior research developers at the Hinchcliffe-Camfield Corporation.”
“Wow…” breathed Bryan again. “Can that Neuro-Tazer thingy go in reverse?” He asked.
“Please, there isn’t much time.” Doctor Fielding’s voice was raised slightly, but it had the desired effect. “I have come here from the year 3596 – your future, and we need your help. The future of planet Earth is in your hands.” There was a long pause.
“Bugger me! You don’t half tell some whoppers, girl!” Shouted Bryan, slapping his leg and laughing. “What do you do for an encore?”
“Professor Camfield, I expected so much more from you…” She looked at him with earnest eyes.
“Professor?” Asked Drood. Doctor Fielding nodded. “And you say I’m a Professor as well?” Again Doctor Fielding nodded. “What in?” Drood hadn’t even managed an “O” level in any of the sciences at his school.
“Let me see if I can remember…” Doctor Fielding tilted her head as she thought deeply. “Professor Drood Hinchcliffe, Senior Fellow of Alpha University and head of departments including Pan-Dimensional Engineering, Chrono-Displacement Technology, and Zero-G Sexual Techniques.” She smiled brightly at him. “And you were knighted in the New Year’s honours list in 2010.” Drood slowly raised his hands to his head, rubbing his fingers gently against his throbbing temples. He suddenly looked up sharply at Doctor Fielding again.
“OK, what about Bryan? You said he was a Professor as well…”
“Indeed he is. Professor Bryan Camfield, Senior Lecturer at Beta University and head of Advanced Experimental Herb Testing and it’s effect on Carbon Based life forms.” Drood looked closely at Bryan, who returned the gaze with a slow waggle of his normally very active eyebrows.
“Far out, man…” Breathed Bryan, slowly. Drood shook his head again. This was wrong, very wrong. This mad woman must have the wrong people. He and Bryan weren’t scientists, far from it. They had never done anything like this at all. OK, Bryan could just about be said to be an Advanced Experimental Herb Tester, but then go to the Glastonbury Festival and have a look round and you’d find hundreds of equally well qualified people. And as for himself now being a Pan-Dimensional Engineer and a…what was it? A Chrono-Displacement Technology specialist? She was taking the piss, surely?
“Are you sure you’ve got the right people?” Asked Drood. Doctor Fielding nodded with immense patience.
“Yes, definitely.” She affirmed.
“What do you know about me?” Asked Drood, sharply. “What’s my background, my history?” Doctor Fielding once more fished into her pockets and produced what appeared to be a wafer thin piece of smooth metal with a smoked glass veneer on its upper half. She stroked her fingers over the dark glass top, and it suddenly illuminated while text and pictures appeared on the screen. Doctor Fielding read from it.
“Professor Neil ‘Drood’ Hinchcliffe was born in Plaistow, East London on 15th July 1974. He showed little sign of his future greatness in his early education, but blossomed somewhat late in life, when in early 2009 he and his colleague Professor Bryan Camfield patented their revolutionary Groovy Convertor. This brilliantly simple machine, capable of converting basic ingredients such as carbon, hydrogen, oxygen etc into primitive nutritious food stuff was a major breakthrough. That combined with the almost simultaneous patenting of their legendary ‘Textya-Flayva’ unit, capable of instilling the basic food stuff with whatever flavour and texture the user wished and in limitless quantities, was the major reason for the end of famine, war and disease on planet Earth and was the first major stepping stone towards the tolerant peaceful society we now all enjoy…” Doctor Fielding lowered the small wafer thin unit and the screen lapsed back into darkness. Drood chuckled dryly.
“Well, at least you got my birthday right.” He ran his hand through his hair and leaned towards Dr Fielding. “How can any of this be true? You say I am a great scientist who in approximately six months time is going to invent a machine that is going to change the course of human history. HOW?”
“What I have just told you is true. It is history. My history.”
“Fine, and much as I don’t really want to piss on your chips dear, but Bryan and I are not scientists. I couldn’t tell you a Bunsen burner from a van der Graf generator. And all this running around Hulke this morning with your mad clues in the paper. What the hell was that all about?” Drood suddenly realised how disturbed he had been by today’s odd events. Dr Fielding smiled sympathetically. She held his hand gently across the table, something Drood enjoyed very much.
“Yes, I am sorry about the skulduggery, but we couldn’t just turn up in your front room and tell you we were from your future. You might have gone mad.” She patted his hand gently and let go. “We had to get you to a place that is permanent in our time as well as yours – The Priory.” Drood agreed this seemed a plausible idea. Then another thought struck him.
“OK, but who put that vast amount of money in my bank account?” Dr Fielding looked blankly at him.
“Vast amount of money?”
“Yes, over a million quid got paid into my bank account.”
“I can assure you that was nothing to do with us…” Just at that moment there was a sharp bleep. Dr Fielding jumped up and reached into her pocket. “Oh no…” Drood and Bryan stood up as well.
“Something wrong?” Asked Bryan. Dr Fielding nodded as she again checked the smooth metal and glass thing.
“The Chrono-Displacement Field is deteriorating. I’m surprised it’s lasted this long. I must go.” She jogged down the beer garden to the area where she first arrived and turned back to face Drood and Bryan. “I’ll be back in contact soon, I promise. Everything will become clear to you.”
“Good, cos at the moment, it’s as clear as mud…” began Bryan. Drood moved towards her.
“You can’t just clear off again. We need to know more…” Dr Fielding put her hand up.
“Stay away! Don’t get too close…” There was that loud crackling untuned radio noise again. It seemed to be coming from all around them.
“What the hell is that?” Asked Bryan loudly. He moved towards Dr Fielding and put his hand on her shoulder. “What is it?” Drood jumped forward to pull Bryan away.
“Careful Bryan…” he began, but suddenly with a blinding blue light the air around them crackled and split, the entire universe seemed to spin on its head – and they both passed clean out.
“Bloody hell…” he breathed. “You could make a fortune out of that thing…” The lady smiled and slipped the Neuro-Tazer back into her pocket.
“You did.” She said. “Or you will…er…well, it’s did for me and will for you, if that makes sense.” But Drood and Bryan were still looking at each other with astonished looks on their faces. They had been out of their boxes together on many occasions, whether through drink or more chemical means. But this was something else altogether. From smashed to sober in a matter of a second or two. After what seemed a lifetime, a very good question presented itself to Drood.
“I don’t wish to sound rude, but who the hell are you and what the fuck is going on?” He asked in a voice slowly rising with indignation towards the end of the sentence. And admittedly he’d lied; he didn’t care if he had sounded rude or not, and as it was he had been pretty rude after all.
“I think we should all sit down. This might come as some surprise.” She gestured toward the spare seats on the bench where Bryan was sitting, with a still somewhat spaced-out look on his face. Drood lowered himself down onto the bench and the lady sat next to Bryan. “My name is Doctor Fielding” she began, “Doctor Polly Fielding. I am one of the senior research developers at the Hinchcliffe-Camfield Corporation.”
“Wow…” breathed Bryan again. “Can that Neuro-Tazer thingy go in reverse?” He asked.
“Please, there isn’t much time.” Doctor Fielding’s voice was raised slightly, but it had the desired effect. “I have come here from the year 3596 – your future, and we need your help. The future of planet Earth is in your hands.” There was a long pause.
“Bugger me! You don’t half tell some whoppers, girl!” Shouted Bryan, slapping his leg and laughing. “What do you do for an encore?”
“Professor Camfield, I expected so much more from you…” She looked at him with earnest eyes.
“Professor?” Asked Drood. Doctor Fielding nodded. “And you say I’m a Professor as well?” Again Doctor Fielding nodded. “What in?” Drood hadn’t even managed an “O” level in any of the sciences at his school.
“Let me see if I can remember…” Doctor Fielding tilted her head as she thought deeply. “Professor Drood Hinchcliffe, Senior Fellow of Alpha University and head of departments including Pan-Dimensional Engineering, Chrono-Displacement Technology, and Zero-G Sexual Techniques.” She smiled brightly at him. “And you were knighted in the New Year’s honours list in 2010.” Drood slowly raised his hands to his head, rubbing his fingers gently against his throbbing temples. He suddenly looked up sharply at Doctor Fielding again.
“OK, what about Bryan? You said he was a Professor as well…”
“Indeed he is. Professor Bryan Camfield, Senior Lecturer at Beta University and head of Advanced Experimental Herb Testing and it’s effect on Carbon Based life forms.” Drood looked closely at Bryan, who returned the gaze with a slow waggle of his normally very active eyebrows.
“Far out, man…” Breathed Bryan, slowly. Drood shook his head again. This was wrong, very wrong. This mad woman must have the wrong people. He and Bryan weren’t scientists, far from it. They had never done anything like this at all. OK, Bryan could just about be said to be an Advanced Experimental Herb Tester, but then go to the Glastonbury Festival and have a look round and you’d find hundreds of equally well qualified people. And as for himself now being a Pan-Dimensional Engineer and a…what was it? A Chrono-Displacement Technology specialist? She was taking the piss, surely?
“Are you sure you’ve got the right people?” Asked Drood. Doctor Fielding nodded with immense patience.
“Yes, definitely.” She affirmed.
“What do you know about me?” Asked Drood, sharply. “What’s my background, my history?” Doctor Fielding once more fished into her pockets and produced what appeared to be a wafer thin piece of smooth metal with a smoked glass veneer on its upper half. She stroked her fingers over the dark glass top, and it suddenly illuminated while text and pictures appeared on the screen. Doctor Fielding read from it.
“Professor Neil ‘Drood’ Hinchcliffe was born in Plaistow, East London on 15th July 1974. He showed little sign of his future greatness in his early education, but blossomed somewhat late in life, when in early 2009 he and his colleague Professor Bryan Camfield patented their revolutionary Groovy Convertor. This brilliantly simple machine, capable of converting basic ingredients such as carbon, hydrogen, oxygen etc into primitive nutritious food stuff was a major breakthrough. That combined with the almost simultaneous patenting of their legendary ‘Textya-Flayva’ unit, capable of instilling the basic food stuff with whatever flavour and texture the user wished and in limitless quantities, was the major reason for the end of famine, war and disease on planet Earth and was the first major stepping stone towards the tolerant peaceful society we now all enjoy…” Doctor Fielding lowered the small wafer thin unit and the screen lapsed back into darkness. Drood chuckled dryly.
“Well, at least you got my birthday right.” He ran his hand through his hair and leaned towards Dr Fielding. “How can any of this be true? You say I am a great scientist who in approximately six months time is going to invent a machine that is going to change the course of human history. HOW?”
“What I have just told you is true. It is history. My history.”
“Fine, and much as I don’t really want to piss on your chips dear, but Bryan and I are not scientists. I couldn’t tell you a Bunsen burner from a van der Graf generator. And all this running around Hulke this morning with your mad clues in the paper. What the hell was that all about?” Drood suddenly realised how disturbed he had been by today’s odd events. Dr Fielding smiled sympathetically. She held his hand gently across the table, something Drood enjoyed very much.
“Yes, I am sorry about the skulduggery, but we couldn’t just turn up in your front room and tell you we were from your future. You might have gone mad.” She patted his hand gently and let go. “We had to get you to a place that is permanent in our time as well as yours – The Priory.” Drood agreed this seemed a plausible idea. Then another thought struck him.
“OK, but who put that vast amount of money in my bank account?” Dr Fielding looked blankly at him.
“Vast amount of money?”
“Yes, over a million quid got paid into my bank account.”
“I can assure you that was nothing to do with us…” Just at that moment there was a sharp bleep. Dr Fielding jumped up and reached into her pocket. “Oh no…” Drood and Bryan stood up as well.
“Something wrong?” Asked Bryan. Dr Fielding nodded as she again checked the smooth metal and glass thing.
“The Chrono-Displacement Field is deteriorating. I’m surprised it’s lasted this long. I must go.” She jogged down the beer garden to the area where she first arrived and turned back to face Drood and Bryan. “I’ll be back in contact soon, I promise. Everything will become clear to you.”
“Good, cos at the moment, it’s as clear as mud…” began Bryan. Drood moved towards her.
“You can’t just clear off again. We need to know more…” Dr Fielding put her hand up.
“Stay away! Don’t get too close…” There was that loud crackling untuned radio noise again. It seemed to be coming from all around them.
“What the hell is that?” Asked Bryan loudly. He moved towards Dr Fielding and put his hand on her shoulder. “What is it?” Drood jumped forward to pull Bryan away.
“Careful Bryan…” he began, but suddenly with a blinding blue light the air around them crackled and split, the entire universe seemed to spin on its head – and they both passed clean out.
1 comment:
Cor! A paralytic AND a groovy converter! I have got to get me one of each.
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